The winner of this month’s Whore Derv has run the gamut of politics, not in the sense of crossing the floor and joining another party (ahem Belinda Stronach), but in the sense of holding multiple positions and jumping levels of government. A former Health Minister of Ontario during the heady days of dollar flux now known as the e-health spending scandal, he left that portfolio for the Environment. At first I resented his attempts to undermine incentives for property owners to invest in renewable energy, however, he eventually made good and introduced the FIT program in the Green Energy Act. For those who don’t know, FIT stands for Feed-in Tariffs, and it guarantees independent green energy producers a fixed price for their surplus energy against the vacillations of the market price. Bravo, energy minister.
He has jumped the provincial ship though, and landed in the lifeboat of municipal politics. By now, you’ve probably guessed that I’m talking about the (no longer) Right Honourable George Smitherman. He made the news last night, a desperate grab for a soundbyte, criticizing current mayor David Miller for announcing a 100 million dollar surplus in Toronto’s budget. He announced he was confident that the mayor knew of this surplus much earlier and merely waited for the campaign to replace him to “ride in on a white horse” and … presumably to save the day. George! I love the FIT program, and I was all ready to embrace you after the bitterness in my heart over Caplan taking all the heat for the e-health spending scandal waned. But no, you had to show up on the news and slam the current mayor, who is leaving of his own volition, for announcing a 100 MILLION DOLLAR SURPLUS. And this after one of the most severe recessions since the great depression! Am I the only one who thinks you sound like a total nitwit again?
Congratulations George! Rather than simply congratulating current Mayor Miller for his recent success, you chose to desperately grab a soundbyte and sound like a numbskull in the process. You have won the current Whore Derv. By peddling your infantile brand via a gigamillion pixels, and trying to revive a Miller hate-on that has for the most part waned since the city strike last summer, you have honoured the award.
I can’t sleep because logic’s
Recipe is full of tar and sand.
Equal parts get me out of this mess
And get me far enough in it
To not be able to tell the difference.
Underbellies of thought
Bring but subtle comforts to not
Quite born beings.
Once it happens, they say, it
Comes naturally.
As if something could not be natural.
Water breaks the surface
Tension, that but holds together
This ragged self
Tells of monopolies of exhaust
Worry, tear-drops to clear
Duct work
And preserve, above all else
The sense that chance is not so random.
That those little fists
Have healthy walls to beat on
That the light of day
Pokes through holes
And gives these objects
That clutter the space in my bedroom
Their very colour.
That soil will grow
Something fantastic
And tasty to shade the lawn
With the ichor
Of plenitude
The lenient feathers of
Winged visitors in night’s
Event of apparition,
Who tell me this tar and sand
Ropes thick through
Rolls of waves too
Frightening to behold
So you hold a mirror up to it
To see it but once removed
And once removed,
This veil of vision leaves
And sleep settles in
Like blankets
On the clothes line
When the wind
Disappears.
This week’s Whore Derv. goes to a singer, whose soulful devotion to our smaller, furrier companions, is truly mind-numbing. If this sounds like someone just being mean you might be right, but I doubt it. She is truly an icon of Canada, her songs lurking in outdoorsy craft shops on the outskirts of a town you’d live in to be close to point A but you can’t afford to live there. Her voice pulls your heartstrings while you shop for plastic waldo dolls or vintage arcade game shot glasses. She considers percussion some sort of anathema. Piono is her instrument of her choice.
It is Sarah McLachlan. A Liz Phair away from Tori Amos, Sarah has been singing the same song since the early nineties, and laughing all the way to the bank. Way to go Sarah! Her latest public service announcement, on behalf of the OSPCA, has had no shortage of airplay on CTV or on CBC; hell, it’s probably the soundtrack of your walk between your house or apartment to your car. Sarah, thanks for helping the voiceless, and for making your “one” song a part of our everyday lives!
From the people who like your music,
You’ve put us in a simulcast nirvana and we love you.
From the rest of us,
STFU!
The Third Whore Derv of Canada goes to a long-deserving citizen and politician. Elected as one of the most crucial pieces of the governing party of Canada that was elected on a platform of free-market shenanigans, streamlined government, and increased transparency, he became the architect of the biggest government intervention in the Canadian economy since the great depression. Also a member of the largest Cabinet since Brian Mulroney’s 40 member Cabinet, excepting Paul Martin’s 39 member cabinet, he is also a governor of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund.
Therefore, the third Whore Derv of Canada goes to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. Congratulations Jim! If the government needs prorogation to prepare the next steps of Canada’s economic action plan, this implies you haven’t been doing your job. Because you haven’t been doing your job, the Prime Minister has dispatched government and subverted democracy yet again. Way to go! As a former member of provincial parliament in Mike Harris' government for Whitby/Oshawa, The Honorable Jim Flaherty has come a long way: he is also the government official responsible for the Greater Toronto Area. Take that you snooty urbanites!
