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Monday, March 22, 2010

The Life of Pie Graphs and Spurious Projects

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The latest Whore Derv is awarded to one of the shining stars of Canada’s literary firmament. While I must give him a priori and de facto respect for contributing to the re-invigoration of reading and writing in our nation, strong and free, I must admit that the concept of his latest book smells like poo. Writer’s Block is a pain in the ass, isn’t it my friend?

After selling over 1.2 million copies of the novel that won our winner a Man Booker prize, which is the most prestigious book award in the Commonwealth, our hero was the first Canadian appointed to represent the Washington Arts Commission. He has also been shortlisted for the Governor General’s Award for fiction, and won the Hugh MacLennan Prize for fiction. The book that won him a Man Booker prize impressed me simply for the fact that many people who don’t read a lot asked me if I’d read it, expecting that since I was a rabid reader that I would have. Granted, my taste tends towards the obscure sometimes, and I still have not read this book. But I cannot pooh-pooh anyone who gets people who don’t usually read excited about reading.

What I can pooh-pooh is a bad book idea, and a total waste of time. Our winner’s latest project is mailing the prime minister a book every two weeks on the general theme of stillness. He has then compiled in a book all these mailings: the book plus a page or two written by our great author on the book he mailed. His reading list, I must say, is excellent. Having read around 50% of the titles, I can flatter myself that I am very well-read, flattery which embodies the real purpose of any of these reading list books. Useless. . .

What he hopes to gain, or what his very purpose is, is beyond me. Perhaps he thinks reading makes you a better person. Perhaps it does, but I doubt it. The Prime Minister responds to our great writer only twice, and for that, I suppose we should be outraged. What?! Our Prime Minister isn’t secluding himself to read all of these books a famous Canadian writer is suggesting to him! FOR SHAME! Absolutely outrageous! Don’t get me wrong, I am not a fan of the current Prime Minister, and I’m sure a little extra reading wouldn’t hurt him.

But really the whole premise of this project is ridiculous. First of all, the Prime Minister is a busy fellow, even though he prorogued parliament when there was a lot of business to finish. Maybe he suddenly thought that the great writer was right! He hadn’t read all these masterpieces, and perhaps he started to feel a little insecure. Perhaps the prorogation of government was actually so Stephen Harper could catch up on his reading, about which our great writer has steadily been harassing him. Yes indeed, if anyone else had embarked upon this, besides one of the most famous living writers, I think we would have to regard this project as harassment. That would make the prorogation that pissed off the whole nation at least partially the great writer’s fault!!!

Secondly, the Prime Minister was indeed busy. He was busy undermining the foundations of our democracy through his iron fist control over his media image. The notion of the press as the fourth estate, the watchdog of government, protecting citizens against the tyrannies, large and small, of the political apparatus, has given way to pervasive suspicion of the media, a suspicion which the Prime Minister shares. This suspicion is part of his pseudo-populist appeal. Fourth Estate be damned: Stephen Harper is subjecting all media coverage of his government to approval through the Privy Council*. Doesn’t our great writer think that more appropriate readings should be drawn from, say, the creative commons movement who valorize the free circulation of information and knowledge? I guess we should be grateful, though, our great writer didn’t recommend The Art of War by Sun Tzu, or Machiavelli’s The Prince, Hobbes’ Leviathan, or any books that may have been written by Goebbels.

If you haven’t figured out who our winner is today, it is Yann Martel, author of the legendary novel The Life of Pi. His most recent book, the reading list I have been discussion, is called What is Stephen Harper Reading? I must say, I don’t particularly care what he’s reading. I do, however, care very deeply about what he is doing as our prime minister. Congratulations Yann! I hope that writer’s block goes away soon, for everyone’s sake!

*information in this paragraph was revealed to me by Mary Higgins, who is about to embark upon a research project on political communication in Canada.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Yeah, that 100 million dollar surplus MUST be a sign of incompetance!

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The winner of this month’s Whore Derv has run the gamut of politics, not in the sense of crossing the floor and joining another party (ahem Belinda Stronach), but in the sense of holding multiple positions and jumping levels of government. A former Health Minister of Ontario during the heady days of dollar flux now known as the e-health spending scandal, he left that portfolio for the Environment. At first I resented his attempts to undermine incentives for property owners to invest in renewable energy, however, he eventually made good and introduced the FIT program in the Green Energy Act. For those who don’t know, FIT stands for Feed-in Tariffs, and it guarantees independent green energy producers a fixed price for their surplus energy against the vacillations of the market price. Bravo, energy minister.

He has jumped the provincial ship though, and landed in the lifeboat of municipal politics. By now, you’ve probably guessed that I’m talking about the (no longer) Right Honourable George Smitherman. He made the news last night, a desperate grab for a soundbyte, criticizing current mayor David Miller for announcing a 100 million dollar surplus in Toronto’s budget. He announced he was confident that the mayor knew of this surplus much earlier and merely waited for the campaign to replace him to “ride in on a white horse” and … presumably to save the day. George! I love the FIT program, and I was all ready to embrace you after the bitterness in my heart over Caplan taking all the heat for the e-health spending scandal waned. But no, you had to show up on the news and slam the current mayor, who is leaving of his own volition, for announcing a 100 MILLION DOLLAR SURPLUS. And this after one of the most severe recessions since the great depression! Am I the only one who thinks you sound like a total nitwit again?

Congratulations George! Rather than simply congratulating current Mayor Miller for his recent success, you chose to desperately grab a soundbyte and sound like a numbskull in the process. You have won the current Whore Derv. By peddling your infantile brand via a gigamillion pixels, and trying to revive a Miller hate-on that has for the most part waned since the city strike last summer, you have honoured the award.








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Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Laundry

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I can’t sleep because logic’s

Recipe is full of tar and sand.

Equal parts get me out of this mess

And get me far enough in it

To not be able to tell the difference.

Underbellies of thought

Bring but subtle comforts to not

Quite born beings.

Once it happens, they say, it

Comes naturally.

As if something could not be natural.

Water breaks the surface

Tension, that but holds together

This ragged self

Tells of monopolies of exhaust

Worry, tear-drops to clear

Duct work

And preserve, above all else

The sense that chance is not so random.

That those little fists

Have healthy walls to beat on

That the light of day

Pokes through holes

And gives these objects

That clutter the space in my bedroom

Their very colour.

That soil will grow

Something fantastic

And tasty to shade the lawn

With the ichor

Of plenitude

The lenient feathers of

Winged visitors in night’s

Event of apparition,

Who tell me this tar and sand

Ropes thick through

Rolls of waves too

Frightening to behold

So you hold a mirror up to it

To see it but once removed

And once removed,

This veil of vision leaves

And sleep settles in

Like blankets

On the clothes line

When the wind

Disappears.





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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Holy Zamboni! This Week's Whore Derv goes to...

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The winner of the latest Whore Derv is a juggernaut of local politics in Toronto.. As chair of one of the largest and most complex organizations, he has had an unfortunate convergence of publicity. His tall gangly frame has been in the news almost constantly for the last month. As a city councilor, he has been variously praised and scoffed. There’s something endearingly earnest about his face and manner, but I don’t think this feature will save him from his current downwards spiral.

If you live in Toronto, you’ve probably seen, or at least heard about his zany youtube photo, depicting him engaging in various calisthenics to prepare himself for the race for the mayoralty of Toronto. In the end of the video, he declares himself ready. That was enough to make the news. But then the denizen citizen journalists, who sent in photos of sleeping TTC collectors, increased tension between the TTC and the public because of a fare hike and produced a good deal of criticism of the TTC, which is our winner’s ship to steer. Add to all the speculation of his mayoral ambitions and the negative press pouring in against the TTC under his supervision, the spectacle of a sex scandal. Not only did Adam Giambrone, this week’s winner, pull a Bill Clinton, but apparently he told the Ms. Lewinsky of the situation confidential information about the pending fare hike. All in all, poorly played Mr. Giambrone.

A young lad at 32 years, I can certainly forgive Adam his sexual dalliances. The public, however, is not so enamored of such promiscuity. Why else would it be a “scandal?” For all we know, his partner Sarah knows about his behavior and is cool with it, but that doesn’t necessarily make good television. But really, the ship seems to be sinking for our young captain. Let’s hope that time heals his wounds, and that he pulls his shit together to run for mayor. On the plus side, he has certainly got his name out there, and is probably by far the most recognizable name on the ticket. Congratulations Adam Giambrone, you have won this week’s Whore Derv award for refusing to let the media bully you into breaking down in tears on camera. The wildebeest knows best of a crocodile’s tears. Thank you, Adam, for sparing us the media’s lurid interest in human frailty. Dance, monkey, dance!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Fourth Whore Derv of the Apocalpyse

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This week’s Whore Derv. goes to a singer, whose soulful devotion to our smaller, furrier companions, is truly mind-numbing. If this sounds like someone just being mean you might be right, but I doubt it. She is truly an icon of Canada, her songs lurking in outdoorsy craft shops on the outskirts of a town you’d live in to be close to point A but you can’t afford to live there. Her voice pulls your heartstrings while you shop for plastic waldo dolls or vintage arcade game shot glasses. She considers percussion some sort of anathema. Piono is her instrument of her choice.

It is Sarah McLachlan. A Liz Phair away from Tori Amos, Sarah has been singing the same song since the early nineties, and laughing all the way to the bank. Way to go Sarah! Her latest public service announcement, on behalf of the OSPCA, has had no shortage of airplay on CTV or on CBC; hell, it’s probably the soundtrack of your walk between your house or apartment to your car. Sarah, thanks for helping the voiceless, and for making your “one” song a part of our everyday lives!

From the people who like your music,

You’ve put us in a simulcast nirvana and we love you.

From the rest of us,

STFU!




Monday, January 04, 2010

The Revenge of the Suburbs

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The Third Whore Derv of Canada goes to a long-deserving citizen and politician. Elected as one of the most crucial pieces of the governing party of Canada that was elected on a platform of free-market shenanigans, streamlined government, and increased transparency, he became the architect of the biggest government intervention in the Canadian economy since the great depression. Also a member of the largest Cabinet since Brian Mulroney’s 40 member Cabinet, excepting Paul Martin’s 39 member cabinet, he is also a governor of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund.

The neo-colonial relations perpetuated by these institutions, namely the provision of funds for development of poorer nations, thereby saddling them with unwieldy debts, are well-known. The interest rates, set by these institutions, which are to a large extent run by people from former colonial powers or their closest satellites, preclude timely payback. Furthermore, they encourage to parceling out of arable land to grow cash crops for export, crops such as coffee and sugar, rather than food crops for domestic consumption. This cycle of poverty dependence is not unlike that shared by the lower echelons of the developed world’s economy, the huge majority of which are the working poor, becoming dependent upon credit with punishing interest rates. Granted, the poorest nations in the world, those with per capita incomes of less than $865/year, are sometimes given interest-free loans. However, the middle range poor nations, those with per capita incomes over $1305 are given loans with interest rates higher than market norms.

While we might laud this Cabinet Member for not being so rigidly dogmatic in his adherence to neoliberal ideology, and for incorporating a corrective dose of Keynesianism into his financial vision for Canada during hard times, his actions strike one as so out of step with his publicly-held beliefs that it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to call him a nihilist. Moreover, Prime Minister Harper has recently asked Governor General Michaelle Jean to prorogue Parliament for a second year in a row. The reason he gave is so that the government can prepare the budget statement, due to be announced on March 3. Given that government critics have posited various theories explaining this move as an evasion of the Afghan torture scandal, or as a holiday for politicians to do some political schmoozing during the winter Olympics, the Invisible Truth does not wish to retread ground that has been beaten smooth. It is true that the committee designated to investigate the Afghan torture scandal will evaporate for now and face time-related obstacles in reconstructing pertinent events, especially if the Conservative paper shredder works overtime during the prorogation. Instead of these well-fleshed-out theories, The Invisible Truth dares to take the Prime Minister at his word.

Therefore, the third Whore Derv of Canada goes to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. Congratulations Jim! If the government needs prorogation to prepare the next steps of Canada’s economic action plan, this implies you haven’t been doing your job. Because you haven’t been doing your job, the Prime Minister has dispatched government and subverted democracy yet again. Way to go! As a former member of provincial parliament in Mike Harris' government for Whitby/Oshawa, The Honorable Jim Flaherty has come a long way: he is also the government official responsible for the Greater Toronto Area. Take that you snooty urbanites!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Second Whore Derv of Canada goes to....


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The second Whore Derv of Canada goes to Peter A. Crossgrove. Peter is a corporate Director of Barrick Gold, the largest gold production company in the world. Some of of you may think, well that’s all you need to write, but that’s not entirely fair, is it? If you have been left of centre for over a decade, you might remember the many protests of Barrick that emanated from their operations in Bolivia in the 1990s and evoked solidarity ripples all across the hemisphere. Peter has been a director at Barrick since 1993. While these protests have for the most part waned, and Barrick claims many measures of corporate social responsibility through both their website and other sites, Barrick is far from a corporate angel. As recently as January, Norway’s Finance Minster announced the Norway Pension Fund’s withdrawal from investment in Barrick, to the tune of 300 million dollars. The withdrawal of one of the largest Pension Funds in the world from Barrick’s operations came after their Council of Ethics determined that Barrick’s activities, especially in Papua New Guinea, were not environmentally sustainable. To read an article on these activities; among which are dumping mine waste directly into rivers, something forbidden according to United Nations Environmental agreements; visit this website:
Barrick&PapuaNewGuinea

Barrick currently runs many mines all over the world, and they are currently developing mines in the Dominican Republic, the border of Chile and Argentina, and northern Nevada. Their development in Nevada has been contested by various Shoshone tribes, as well as Environmental activist groups such as the Great Basin Resource Watch. While the state Court of Nevada overturned their plea to stop the expansion of the Cortez mine to include part of Mount Tenabo, a sacred mountain for the Shoshone, they appealed. On Dec. 9, 2009, the case went to Supreme Court in San Francisco. It had been waged on two fronts: a lack of research into environmental impact according to the National Environmental Policy Act, and the obstruction the mine represents to the Shoshone in the practice of their religion. In Supreme court, the previous decision was overturned on the grounds of environmental impact, but not on the grounds of the freedom of the Shoshone to practice their religion. For more information on this case, consult this website:
Nevada

Why Mr. Crossgrove, and not Peter Munk, the founder and chairman of Barrick’s board of directors, who himself won an Order of Canada? Or why not the Right Honorable Brian Mulroney, who sits on Barrick’s board of directors as well? Well, Mr. Munk offsets his corporation’s dirty fingers with philanthropy, and Brian Mulroney has sufficiently disgraced himself over bribes he accepted from Karlheinz Schreiber during his tenure as Prime Minister. Since we here at the Invisible Truth believe in spreading both wealth and honor, as well as shame and depravity, we give this award to Peter Crossgrove. Having an extensive history with Barrick, while the new C.E.O and president Aaron Regent has only worked with Barrick since the Norway withdrawal in January, Peter has presided over and shared responsibility for more environmental degradation and cultural insensitivity to the globe’s indigenous peoples than most of his other colleagues. Gregory Wilkens, former C.E.O and Vice-Chairman, died on December 16th, and it pleases us not to speak ill of the dead.

Congratulations Peter! We wish you the best in continuing your ruthless extraction of the world’s oldest and most dependable commodity from the earth while trampling the rights of indigenes and dumping heavy metals into watersheds. Your ass makes us tremble with delight!